Just How Much Can You Get For Free?

Free stuff in Melbourne is a tough market to crack.  From past experience I’ve found the ‘Oh, I only have $2.80 for this [insert food item here] instead of $3…is that okay?’ excuse is definitely not okay.  Gallant attempt, but not okay.  Pockets are getting tighter, and I know you’re likely to think that that means the simple economics of society are about to fall apart to stop your wallet gathering cobwebs.  Not the case.  You’re still going to have to eat, have fun, and look good with nothing.  Here’s how.

Universities, when not being used for higher education, are centres for the free food cause.  Little security means that no matter who you are you’re welcome on campus.  Your golden ticket: the free barbecue.  If you can handle having a vague conversation with the club running the gathering, the world is yours – with free beer included.  But if you’re looking for something a little more up-market, and are sick of hanging around Bakers Delight for samples and buying heavily discounted almost-expired juice from the supermarket, you’ve got a few more options.  Lentil As Anything (Abbotsford Convent, St Kilda, Footscray) is well known for its pay-what-you-like philosophy - meaning you are allowed to pay nothing and get away with it.  Alternatively, pop on your fingerless gloves and put your high-school drama skills to good use at the Subway at the Carlton-end of Swanston Street: they offer free meals to the homeless every week.  Or visit Sacred Heart Mission (St Kilda) who serve breakfast and lunch free everyday.  When your tummy is screaming, your only limits are your morals.

If you’ve already tried to steal your friends’ clothes (read: ‘borrowed’) and failed, go for the obvious choice: markets and op shops. You aren’t going to be getting any haute couture for free unless you have some serious connections, so hit these two with a twist. Visit markets right before closing: you might’ve missed the ‘good stuff’, but stallholders sometimes won’t be back for a few months or ever again, and they’re keen to get rid of their stuff.  Go to Camberwell Market on a Sunday just before 1pm and you might just snag yourself something for nothing.  As for op shops: charities spend thousands of dollars every year cleaning up items that are illegally dumped outside their stores.  It might take you a while to find a gem that isn’t weatherworn and you may look like a degenerate, but you’re kind of doing them a favour.  Try the Vinnies on Johnston Street, Fitzroy – guaranteed items there every morning.   

If there’s one thing free that Melbourne does well, it’s entertainment.  You might’ve spent endless nights ripping videos off YouTube and turning them into mp3’s, but that can only provide you so much of an experience.  By the time you’ve explored all that happy hour has to offer at your local pub, the live music might as well appear to be free.  If that’s too safe, try venues where there’s multiple public areas: they’re effortless to sneak into; ghosting of strangers optional.  Free events also form part of the various festivals Melbourne seems to be hosting almost every week so there’s no reason why you should be at home.  If you’re a bit wordier, visit The Moat (at The Wheeler Centre) and participate in their book swap: just bring your own book and exchange it for one on their shelf.  Civilised and easy. 

Finally, no matter the situation: flash a hungry smile.  You’d be surprised how much you can get for free with it.  Now get creative, get sleuth, get busy.   

Written for Karamel Magazine, April 2012.